003 Sixteen Again

To My Love,

16 years old.  We felt oh so grown up and yet still too close to the cradle.  We both longed to be something more or nothing at all.  Two prodigies; one with guts, one with no nerve at all.

We met because I had no courage.  We met because we were both looking for something.  Almost four years later and we’ve found it.  Unfortunately, because of my lack of nerve, the terms are not as you’ve supposed.

Are we grown up yet? Or are we just playing make-believe? Are we just lying to ourselves? I want to grow old with you, spend every day in your arms.  But, I know that’s the lie I tell myself, what we’re pretending. After the truth you’ll never see me the same.

Let’s be 16 again. Start from the beginning and erase the past.  Fix the mistakes we’ve made and start again from, “Hello.”

 

I will never stop loving you,

                  compulsiveliar82

[everybodylies@live.ca]

002 Lies

Dear Reader,

Have you ever told a lie simply because you could?

Not for any reason.  But because you wanted to try, to get a high from the deception.

It starts so simple.  Just a small lie, maybe even a white lie.  And then you get braver, and it begins to escalate into a lie that is much greater and engages a feeling of power and control. In the moment, you know that there is no real reason. Later you will justify it, giving it a meaning, and a reason why. But that, in itself, is an excuse, a lie.

You’ve begun to lie to yourself.

To lie to oneself is one of the easiest and hardest things one can do.  You choose what you believe, no one can choose for you and once you’ve silenced your conscience, no one can save you.  I murdered my conscience… 

I started to lie because I could… and now I can’t tell the truth.

Truthfully Yours,

         compulsiveliar82

[everybodylies@live.ca]

001 Past Insanities

To My Love, 

I can still remember the days where I lived in a constant state of chaos. Those days really aren’t too far behind me, I’m only 20 after all. And yet, looking back, they feel so long ago, like I’m watching someone else’s memories from another time and place.

Who was I? 

I truly believe that I was insane, at least for a time. I got lost in the creative genius of my own mind. I was driven by pain, power and a control I quickly lost. I had no idea at what cost that kind of power came at. I’ve lost so much, and have yet to lose even more…

The past doesn’t die. Who you were can change, but the consequences of those past actions will always haunt you. You’re lucky if you can ever truly escape. 

In my eyes, death is the only way out. 

Unfortunately, that is no option… Someday, I will find the courage to tell you the truth and who I really am. 

Forever I will love you, 

               compulsiveliar82 

[everybodylies@live.ca]

000 Why

Dear Reader,

Its been a year now that my conscience has been heavy, burdened and tormented by the lies.  I’ve tried to say this all before, to change my ways, but it never eased the guilt.  One can change, but one cannot leave the past behind.  It has a way of speaking out and being heard, even when that means influencing the future.

So, who am I?  

I am an artist, a poet, a writer, a lover and a liar.  I am so many things, and yet so few of the things that I’ve told him.  I write to you now because my soul cannot bear with this story any longer.  My story, our story needs to be heard.  I swear to you, that I will tell you the truth, the whole story, the lies, the mistakes, the lust and the betrayals, anything you ask I will answer, in time.  And most importantly… you’ll discover who I really am.

And, one day, these letters will make it into the hands of my love and from there, he can decide the fate of my future… with, or without him.

With this, I would like to say thank-you.  Thank-you for reading, for listening and for being the bearer of my confession.  And if needed, let this be your confession also, because one day, our pasts will find us out.

Truthfully Yours,

                   brokenparadigm  

[everybodylies@live.ca] * compulsiveliar82

(Note: Also found under “About” page)